from LIFESTYLES:
Madonna Rules & Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
She may have passed 40, an age at which some stars' phones stop ringing, but Ms. Ciccone continues to dominate the media. Most recently, she's sporting a diamond-hard physique, a new movie with her British film director/ boyfriend, and her now-confirmed second pregnancy. (A recent quote from her publicist: "It's not true. She's not pregnant"). No one works the buttons off the celebrity machine like the Material Girl. And let's not forget that artistic talent is only a tiny part of the equation, after all, many argue that she possesses no such thing.
Remember Body of Evidence? Or Dick Tracy? I got a splinter in my toe just watching Madonna's wooden performances in these legendary flops. Well, now she offers -- The Next Best Thing1x The title would only apply, I'm told, if the "best" thing were chugging spoiled milk while sunbathing naked in Antarctica. So before you plunk down nine bucks to go see it, read a bad review -- you'll be hard pressed to find a good one. Then check out a flick-by-flick rundown of Madonna's movies... and why they so often fail.
Regis Rants: "Retire Rich1x"
Even more dominant than Madonna these days (yes, she may be slipping a bit -- no one could have said that ten years ago) is Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. During primetime on what seems to be every evening, gaggles of Americans gather round the telly to watch Regis, with his shouting exuberance and monochromatic getups, preside over the space-age set like an older Marvin the Martian.
Millionaire questions have no middle ground; they're either insultingly easy or almost absurdly difficult. No wonder most contestants just take the money once they've reached six figures. Speaking of which, here's a list of the big winners, ripe for the plucking of stock hawkers and phone solicitors everywhere (don't say I never gave you anything).
Humorist Bob Harris really has a handle on this pop culture phenom (he even made it to the second phase of the phone entry process1x), so you won't want to miss his riotous, spot-on deconstruction. After reading Bob's essay, you can proudly order a T-shirt containing the most hideously overused catch phrase since "Where's the beef." That's right, you get to place your own phrase on the back, with the magic words "Is that your final answer?" displayed on the front. Go on, wear one in public and embarrass your friends1x
When Good Grooms Go Bad: A New Low
Everyone was wondering what Fox would do next. When Coworkers Attack? America's Funniest Tragedies? Well, as is often the case on television, truth is stranger than fiction. Hence, Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, two of the most revolting, yet oddly transfixing, hours of programming since Battle of the Network Stars.
By now it's been revealed that the " multi-millionaire" is anything but -- he's just a goofball who's bounced around from B-list to C-list showbiz jobs. Just read his resume: made six appearances on Star Search, did stand-up as an opening act for Dionne Warwick ... the guy MUST be filthy rich1x
If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out a summary of the TV event, in all its depraved glory. Then move on to a more scathing analysis ("It was all so droopy and sad. It was just no fun at all."). Then go take a long, hot, soapy shower.
By Micahel Parillo
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