UGLY LOVER
Lady Eros,
I sure dug, your response to 'Public Sex', especially the part about the cardboard cutouts, so I thought I would trouble you with a problem of my own.
Here goes: I am a 29 year old hetero, very sexually active woman. That part is fine, the problem lies in the fact that I cannot have sex with people I am attracted to. Really. If I meet someone I find even mildly appealing I automatically freeze up and cross the room to where the 'uglies' are standing. Once in bed I have to turn out the lights and of course I never let a relationship progress, because I don't want to be seen in public with the majority of the guys I take home. Now, I don't think it is an insecurity thing because I know I am really hot. Big boobs, long hair, tight ass, good looking guys drooling over me all the time. So Lady what's a gal to do?
Dear Ugly Lover:
What exactly do you have to complain about? You are obviously attracted to something in the "ugly" guys you have sex with, otherwise you would be able to have sex with those hotties on the other side of the room . . .eventually. Bluntly, your seeming dilemma fails to ring true.
But, I will ask you this: is the sex you have with the uglies gratifying? If so, and if you are truly embarrassed to take them out on the town, why not hang with the pretty boys, go to the movies with them, and introduce them to mom. Then go home, turn out the lights, and go wild with the unattractive boy you picked up at the party on 'the other side of the room.'
I am not usually one to dichotomize sexual and social attraction, but since you seem determined to maintain that difference, why not take what you need from different relationships?
What, in your mind, is it about the uglies that makes them ugly? You've intimated that your "big boobs and tight ass" make you hot - are these men all fat, bald, and covered with warts? If you can figure out what exactly makes them ugly, maybe you can figure out what makes them hot. Being an advice columnist and not a psychotherapist, I probably shouldn't ask, but are either of your parents ugly in your eyes? And on that note, while you claim self-confidence, my inclination is to assume that you may have certain deep-seated insecurities buried within your own comeliness, maybe even about your inner beauty.
You can deal with your hang-up a few different ways:
- Have sex with the uglies and 'date' the hotties.
- Try to integrate the social and sexual attraction in the same person; perhaps you haven't met "Mr. Ugly Right" yet.
- Attempt some behavior modification: have sex with an ugly with candlelight, then with actual lights on, examine what happens - if you're still turned on, etc. , or
- Seek therapy, rather than assuming that the problem is with the homely guys you've been sleeping with.
Lady Eros
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