Madame Eros,
I'm all confused. I was brought up in a good Christian home -- nothing fanatical, you understand, but good church going people. Now, I've always thought of myself as a relatively "with-it" guy. I really like modern music and all that -- I've been to see Hootie and Blowfish five or six times, and I even used to go dancing in clubs sometimes. But I just don't believe in sex before marriage.
My problem is I keep having it. I started dating when I was about fourteen or fifteen, and my girl friend was really into "experimenting." Almost every night, one thing would lead to "another". I eventually broke up with her, because I just felt too guilty about the whole thing, but now ten years later, it's even harder to date girls who don't want to "do it." I can't even listen to Eric Clapton anymore, because he just puts me in "the mood."
So what do you think I should do? I know what you're going to say -- "arranged marriage" right? That way I won't have to date, we can get married and just hop right into bed. But that just seems wrong somehow -- I could end up with a girl who isn't my true love.
How can I be remain faithful to my religious principles, while still getting to know a girl before marriage?
Yours truly,
Guilty Sex1x
Dear Guilty Sex,
Not all women are interested in jumping into bed as a matter of momentary entertainment -- look around -- even at Church. Tell women your issue up front, if they are not of the same mind move on. There are women who believe what is most important has nothing to do with the physical aspect of the relationship, or they have religious beliefs that preclude premarital sex. They want to be part of a relationship where you to get to know one another without necessarily getting to know each other sexually. She may want to share what she likes--about herself, her life, the things she's doing, the plans she's made. And eventually both you and she will be able to see how you fit into each other's plans.
Yes you have urges, and needs, but an orgasm does not require a partner, and you know what I mean. Go ahead and listen to Eric "slow hand" Clapton, but do it alone. Enjoy the moment privately. You can even take a page from Monica Lewinsky and consider "phone sex. "
Part of what conflicts many men in such situations is the "Madonna/whore split," i.e., seeing women as not to be messed with, for example, a mother nursing her child, or just a "MOTHER," in general. Then, there are all the rest of the women in the world1x
If the girl of your dreams falls into the first category, say through an arranged marriage, and then you find out she enjoys sex, will that make her a whore in your eyes?
Sometimes a man will marry a woman he loves having sex with, then she conceives a child, gives birth, and he never wants to touch her again. She's gone from "whore" to "Madonna, or "mother."
Perhaps figuring out what you want--in a woman, or out of life--is what you need to do first. Then you'll be able to get a better picture of how you see a woman fitting into your life.
Lady Eros
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