We probably have all heard not-too-rosy scenarios involving "the other woman," or "the other man," the one who broke up so-and-so's marriage to whatsername. Well, I finally thought it about time to consider the plight of the other woman or other man, when she or he actually marries the person she or he was involved with (when that person was married to someone else).
Unless we ourselves happen to have been victimized by one of these marriage wreckers, you might ask, why bother to think about what happens to these people after they're gone? Well, for starters, we might want to see where all their meddling in other people's marriages has gotten them. Here are a few we can use as examples:
The first woman I met over an unlikely lunch in a quaint countryside cafe. She and the child who accompanied her were seated so close to me, conversation was inevitable.
This woman, let's call her Connie, was not someone you'd readily notice. She was middle-aged and slightly overweight, but the child who accompanied her was dressed to kill. No-more-than-four-years-old, this little girl wore a hat, gloves, fine jewelry, and a beautiful smocked dress. The outfit cried out for attention, so I gave it that by acknowledging how "fancy" the little girl's outfit was and how attractive she looked in it.
These comments and a few others about being the child's grandmother and little girl's outfit being special brought corrections on both scores. Connie was NOT the grandmother, she was her mother, and the child was always sent off to nursery school wearing a dress, hat, party shoes, and fine jewelry.
Now, you will have to admit that this type of apparel is not the norm for most nursery school attendees. Wash and wear is a more logical choice for parents. There had to be a story here someplace; over time, I heard it.
As one might have guessed from her age, Connie had been married before. She had a child with a husband who abused her, and she finally managed an escape to a small town in a state nowhere near the one she came from. She brought her child along with her and had to seek employment immediately. The job she found was working for the man she eventually wound up marrying.
Although Connie insisted she had left her husband's employ long before he divorced his wife and came courting her, it didn't take much for me to realize that I was talking to "the other woman."
With all the fancy trappings for her daughter, and her own fine jewelry, Connie did not look happy. She had chosen to move to a small town to escape from her first husband, but it seemed pretty obvious that this same town had branded her as the other woman when her husband's marriage to his first wife broke up.
That she wasn't considered good enough for her husband's family, Connie readily admitted. She came with baggage: a child and a reputation as a home wrecker. It soon became apparent why Connie took such pains to make a lady of her daughter. In this community, Connie would probably never be looked upon as one herself.
Another "other woman" I know recently complained of having problems with her husband's adult children. She's in a marriage of many years, but obviously her husband's children still remember the pain and suffering their father's decision to divorce their mother caused their family. This woman quite obviously would never be forgiven for her part in these doings.
The position of men who marry "the other woman" is not much better. These men often find themselves cut-off from some if not all of their children. One man I happen to know well resisted the temptation to divorce his wife for many years. He carried on a clandestine affair until at last he could no longer bear the pain of tearing his life in two. He had to choose, and what he chose was to divorce his wife and marry the woman he loved.
This man has had to pay a heavy price for his decision. His children were of marriageable ages, and his first wife would not be in the same room with "that woman." Faced with not having their mother or not having their father at their weddings, two of his children gave their father the option of coming to the ceremony without his new wife, or not coming at all.
Listening to the man's side of the story was very painful because he was in so much distress over his children's reactions to his remarriage. He couldn't see why, after working himself to death and giving them everything they needed as children, they were ready to forego their relationship with him because he finally had the courage to marry the woman he loved.
From his children's point of view, it's not hard to understand that they did not want to cause their mother any more pain than their father already had. They were not ready to sacrifice their relationship with their mother to gratify the desires of their father. Perhaps they felt he had already satisfied those desires at too great an expense to their family.
The problem here is in laying blame. When a family is broken apart as the result of one or both of the adults having affairs, it does not matter whether the state or society grants a no-fault divorce. Children will make up their minds as to who is to blame for the divorce, and assign that blame -- you can bet on it1x
Where the other woman or man suffers is in being painted with the broad brush of home-wrecker, when in fact she or he may have been enticed into a relationship with a married man or woman who masqueraded as single. Who's at fault here? Don't worry, the kids will figure it out and assign blame accordingly. The only trouble is, their decisions may be biased.
