Monday, October 2, 2000

>> Utterly furious with his former long-time friend, the acclaimed dance wizard Moby, film director Paul Yates has claimed him to be a "complete corporate sellout." Yates is obviously harboring jealous tendencies, mainly due to the fact that Moby has licensed all of the tracks from his multi-platinum album, "Play," for use in commercials, soundtracks, endorsements, and various other products around the world, including the highly anticipated Playstation 2. Tremendous amounts of money was made by all (except Yates that is). So, when it came time for Yates to release his low-budget porn/drama flick, aptly titled "Porno," so he can purposely ride off of his buddy's success, Moby swiftly pressed the "stop" button on his "Play." And, if he gets his way, the film will be shelved and will never see the light of day. After all, if anyone sees the "obscene" film, what will Moby's mother say? So, then why did he do it anyway? Appearing in the film as a favor to Yates, Moby is seen on camera while playing a guitar behind X-rated actress Dyanna Lauren, as he flaunts two sex toys that are strapped to his head. Perhaps Yates should have asked Madonna's adolescent daughter, Lourdes, to be in the film instead. Lourdes, after all, is known to be unusually fond of the term "punani." She evens joyously sings songs about it. Hmm, how old were you when you first knew about "punani?" I swear, these kids today just grow up too fast.

>>> But, some of us just refuse to grow up. Crying for attention like a baby, Left Eye of TLC has finally emerged from the vortex that she has mysteriously been hiding in for almost a week. "She was never missing," explains TLC group member, T-Boz. "It was just a publicity stunt to get attention, like everything else. There are people that are really missing and me and Chili (of TLC) think that's the sickest thing (that Left Eye just did it for the attention). It's the same thing we've been going through for 12 years. It's just now you can all see it." It makes you wonder if that's the real reason why T-Boz unexpectedly announced that she will stop touring due to her "sickness." According to Left Eye's publicist at Arista Records, she just needed to get away and takes "these little sabbaticals all the time." Okay, whatever. Just like the "sabbatical" she needed in 1994, only to get away to burn down her former boyfriend's house. Oh, and we can't forget about the many "sabbaticals" she has taken, just so she can go to rehab for alcohol addiction.

>>> Perhaps Ol' Dirty Bastard should follow in the footsteps of Left Eye and escape into the vortex, just to get some publicity from VH1.com. Sadly, the web-site's editors have decided to no longer report on his antics and shenanigans, because they finally came to the realization that its "users didn't give a damn about the half-crazy Wu-Tang Clan rapper." Upon hearing of the banishment from the site, an overwhelming mass of e-mails (all 12 of them) bombarded the editors' computers with many sentiments of love and praise for the demented rapper. Even though brainwashed disciples of Ol' Dirty Bastard have declared him "crazy as hell," while being "an amazingly original rapper in a world of stale music," VH1.com has still maintained their position, blatantly ignoring the demands for the site to continue in their reports. "Whatever happened to 'Music First?,'" asks one devotee of Ol' Dirty Bastard. And, VH1's reply? "The channel's new motto is actually 'Profits First.'" To add to the debate, one distraught web-surfer says, "Stop wasting time and space on people with no talent, who only do outrageous things to their names. How about not reporting anything to do with rap altogether, and instead focus on artists who...not just talk fast." Well, since I'm not VH1.com, I don't have to adhere to such a request. So, I have decided to waste a little time and space on a few people who only do outrageous things to their names. I'll let you decide, for now, if they have talent or not. In the beginning, there was Prince, then he begot the unpronounceable image of o+-> to help him "emancipate" from the purple reign that he claimed enslaved him and his "New Power Generation." But, even though o+-> offered gifts of "Gold" to the masses, he was nevertheless only acknowledged as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. So, he then resurrected Prince from the dead, as the world "raved un2 the joy fantastic" over the miracle. And, once upon a time, MC Hammer was begged not to "hurt 'em," but he ignored their cries. He instead tried to hit harder, thugged out with "Pumps And A Bump" as "The Funky Headhunter," known simply as Hammer. But, remorse pounded fiercely at his heart, as the pressure of only having one name without a title before it became too much for him to bear. Through reconciliation, he reverted back to MC Hammer. Thankfully, no one has been hurt again by "Hammer time." We have only been hurt by the rock-hard edges of Ice. However, he will always and forever affectionately be remembered by us as the soft-slush Vanilla Ice, despite the glaciers he annoyingly tries to create.